Casual Food Review for the Casual Diner

Tired of all the frou-frou food reviews written by a bunch of Zagats? Do the words "chic" and "ambiance" make you want to blast your iPhone 6 into a million pieces? Do you remember fondly the simpler days when food was described with words like hearty and filling rather than subtle and decadent? Do you prefer drenched to drizzled and fried to fresh? Do you eat until you hate yourself?

At Bistro Bros, we eat the hard meals for you. We sift through the overpriced filets and cabernets that leave your wallet almost as empty as your stomach. With careful review and deliberation, we break down our dining experiences into offensively delightful portions that you can't afford not to consume.

Spender Shock

Age: Old Enough

Height: 6'3"

Weight: 185 lbs

"I'm an individual. I try not to be defined by words like "full" and "moderation". Sure, I could stop when I feel physical discomfort, but what would that make me? A pussy, that's what. Getting full is like getting swole, you gotta push through the pains if you want the gains. I've been a member of the clean plate club since '91, and if I've learned one thing over the years it's that women don't like men that can't finish what they start. In the words of the great Guy Fieri, "If you want to get in her, finish your dinner." I live my life in his honor, and it's my hope that I'll glorify his name with each and every meal that I smash."

Jay Bronie

Age: 25

Height: 5'10"

Weight: 150 lbs Soaking Wet

"People are always asking me, "Jay, how do you keep your body so trim and taut despite your obvious addiction to food and your rampant lack of self control?" One fucking word. Prayer. A lot of people pray before they eat, but how many do you know that pray after? It's a well known fact that Jesus was shredded, but how many times does the bible mention him working out? I don't even need my fingers to count because it's zero. Now I ask you, how many times does it mention him praying? So next time you're running laps like a hamster in a wheel, think about this. If Jesus changed water to wine and fish and bread to more fish and bread, don't you think he can turn your flab to abs?"